This was an amusing little piece of fun that I couldn't resist writing.
Title: Reno Is God
Rating: M (Now it's just full on sex)
Description: Freshly returned from the lifestream, Kadaj enjoys a sucker compliments of Tifa and informs Cloud that he has found God
Disclaimer: I don't own shite, if you want to sue me, sue for my SIMS games--they're the only things I have that are worth anything
This was meant to be amusing, take it as such!
“Is it all clean?” Yazoo asked, eyes hidden behind his hands. He’d refused to even go anywhere near the kitchen this morning until Kadaj cleaned it.
“Yes!” Kadaj huffed, irritated with his brother for no other reason than Yazoo had demanded he clean up the mess he’d made. Kadaj would’ve gotten out of it if Reno hadn’t stepped in before he’d gone off to work and told him to mind Yazoo while he was gone. He’d never asked for such before, and Kadaj wasn’t happy about it, but he could hardly say no to God! He had a new bicycle to consider, after all, and just because he’d been launched to the head of the queue didn’t mean he could afford to make god angry.
Yazoo uncovered his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief, his shoulders relaxing and a happy smile spreading over his beautiful face.
“You’re as much of a nut about being clean as Reno is!” Kadaj accused, feeling suddenly miffed because Yazoo still managed to be so pretty, even all tousled from bed and fresh from an upset stomach. Kadaj had awoken with sleepy smudges beneath his eyes and his hair standing on end—Reno had laughed at him and tickled him, telling him he looked a right mess and it was adorable. Still, Kadaj did not appreciate looking like a mess at all, right or not, and wished he could roll out of bed looking perfect like Yazoo did.
“Oh, no, Kadaj, no one is stricter about that than Reno,” Yazoo somberly told him, big jade eyes wide.
Kadaj threw the mop into the cleaning closet with a snort of derision, ignoring Yazoo’s soft protest of his careless action.
“What did he tell you last night?” he asked, turning to face his brother.
Yazoo looked uncomfortable and blushed softly, murmuring, “It really isn’t any of your business, Kadaj.”
“Tell me!” Kadaj demanded, trying to bully Yazoo. Since their return from the Lifestream Kadaj had not asserted himself over either of his brothers. Without Mother to push and pull at him he really had no need and since he was never denied anything he truly wanted he’d been content to sit back and let everyone else worry with the finer aspects of getting along and making a living. Now, however, he was dying of curiosity and was willing to browbeat his pretty brother to find out what he wanted to know.
Surprisingly, Yazoo’s perfectly arched eyebrows drew close in a startling imitation of Reno’s frown and he firmly said, “No, Kadaj! It’s not your business!”
Kadaj blinked, unused to being stymied by his brother’s will—both Yazoo and Loz had always folded like a house of cards before Kadaj’s sharp tongue or angry glare. Switching tactics, he gave Yazoo the Big Eyes and whined, “Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?!”
“You stop that!” Yazoo scolded, because the Big Eyes combined with whining was usually a sure thing. He started to make breakfast just to distract himself from Kadaj’s manipulations. Deciding to distract Kadaj in the process, he added, “Reno thinks you need to go to school, Kadaj.”
“School?” Kadaj echoed, sidetracked. He got underfoot while Yazoo moved to and from the refrigerator, prompting the man to shoo him more than once while Kadaj busily expounded on why exactly he didn’t need to go to school. “But, Yazoo, you know I’m way smarter than any kid my age and since I don’t even know how old I am I could be way too old for school and, besides, high school kids are really mean and I’d probably end up getting into fights or hurting someone and I think it’s an all-around bad idea so maybe you should just tell Reno that I shouldn’t be going at all and instead I can just stay here and clean or something and you don’t even have to pay me because it would be like my job and you know you don’t like doing laundry because I hear you complaining about it all the time so don’t you think it’s a good idea for me to just stay home?”
Yazoo had stopped cooking to stare at Kadaj, looking faintly shocked. Finally, he asked, “How do you not pass out when you do that?”
“Do what?” Kadaj asked, and gulped a huge breath of air, ears ringing.
“Talk for five solid minutes without breathing,” Yazoo said, and turned back to the omelets he was making. “I won’t be telling Reno anything, Kadaj. You can talk to him…well, babble at him about it if you want to, but it really isn’t up to either of us. Reno will decide and you’ll do as he tells you.”
“But—”
Yazoo raised the spatula in warning, shooting Kadaj a sharp look.
“Okay,” Kadaj said, wilting a little at the prospect of having to go to school.
Loz came home with Reno later that afternoon, looking quite dapper in his black suit. Kadaj couldn’t have been more pleased to see him and bounded into his arms the second he cleared the doorway.
“Did you miss me? How is work? What’s it like? Do you like your apartment? Can I come visit?” Kadaj asked, twisting like an excited puppy in Loz’s grasp to give his brother another bear hug.
“Uhm, yes, Kadaj,” Loz answered, because his answer was always yes where his little brother was concerned and he always lived to please. He patted Kadaj on the head with fond caution, aware of his greater strength and careful of his two fragile, slight brothers.
“Princess, you know better than to ask him too many questions at once,” Reno reminded, taking off his jacket and tossing it over the back of the recliner before flopping down in it and hollering, “Yazoo! We got any beer?”
“Coming!” Yazoo called back, appearing almost instantly with two frosty mugs and two bottles of Reno’s favorite beer. He set them on the end table and stopped to give Loz a hug.
Kadaj wedged between them, bringing the hug to an abrupt end, and gave Loz the Big Eyes, saying, “I’m sorry, Loz, I didn’t mean to ask you so many questions!”
“That’s okay, Kadaj,” Loz said, smiling his big smile and ruffling Kadaj’s hair. He leaned over the boy to plant a soft kiss on Yazoo’s forehead, ever aware of the power struggle between the two and not wanting to be accused of favoritism.
“Sit down, Loz, have a beer,” Reno said, kicking back in his recliner and taking his own advice. He’d already managed to mostly unbutton his shirt and his heavy black boots were unlaced and loose. “Kadaj, let go of him. Fuck, you’re like a goiter.”
“Well that isn’t very nice,” Kadaj announced, making a mental note to look up what a goiter was. After a moment he surreptitiously wrote it down, knowing he’d probably forget about it. It certainly sounded awful.
Yazoo opened Loz’s beer for him and poured it into the frozen mug, handing it over with his usual soft, beautiful smile.
“I cleaned the kitchen!” Kadaj said, satisfied with himself and wanting to divert attention from his unnecessarily beautiful brother. He scooted to sit on the footstool next to the couch, near Loz’s knee, and beamed at Reno, who merely arched a brownish-red eyebrow in his direction and absently pulled Yazoo to sit near him.
“Well, you were the one who made a mess of it,” he said, smirking when Kadaj shot him a death-glare and decided to ignore him for awhile.
“I’m so happy you came to visit, Loz!” Kadaj said, turning the full force of his personality on his big baby of a brother while still managing to maintain a steady glare in Reno’s direction. For his part, Reno just settled more comfortably back into his recliner and gestured Yazoo closer to ask him something.
“Reno said I should come and see you,” Loz said, gulping happily at his beer. “I was thinking of having you come stay with me, Kadaj, because I know you don’t like being alone, but there were other things to consider…”
The man trailed off, looking embarrassed, a flush on his high cheekbones.
Kadaj suddenly remembered what Reno had said, something about ships passing in the night. He wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, but from Loz’s blush and sudden discomfit, he figured he’d been right—Loz had gone sailing. But, more to the point, he’d gone without Kadaj, who was sure he’d really like sailing if he ever had the chance to go.
“You went sailing and you didn’t invite me!” Kadaj accused out of nowhere, reminded of his ire and pouting at Loz.
“Sailing?” The man echoed, confused but wanting to please.
Reno started to laugh, and Yazoo was giggling a little, both of them watching the interaction.
“Reno said you had other ships to pass in the night!” Kadaj told him, his pout deepening.
“Oh, sailing at night is dangerous, Kadaj,” Loz said, concern pinching his fine features. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, someone could get hurt.”
Kadaj was suddenly worried that his brother might be speaking from experience, and he was moved to ask, “Were you hurt?”
“…I don’t think so…” Loz answered, thoroughly bewildered and not quite sure himself if he’d been sailing or not after all.
“I’m just gonna go in the other room where it’s less…ditzy,” Reno announced, standing suddenly, beer in hand. Yazoo left for the kitchen with a parting giggle, glancing over his shoulder at his pouting littlest brother and his obviously confused younger brother. “Watching you two talking is like watching two helium balloons trying to mate.”
“What?” Kadaj asked, and gave him a serious, doubtful frown. “Reno, that doesn’t make any sense at all.”
“It doesn’t,” Loz agreed, nodding, looking from Reno to Kadaj to be sure his little brother was aware of his support. “I don’t know how little balloons are made, but I don’t think big balloons mate…”
“Ya don’t?” Reno asked, and laughed abruptly. “Have fun, you two—don’t wind up discovering how snow is made.”
“Snow is made?” Kadaj breathed, eyes widening as he imagined a huge, cold factory where bundled up little people created snow. But then, it did make a certain amount of sense—where else would the ice-cream man get snow for his ice-cream? He couldn’t use snow from outside, that would be just gross, so he must get it from a factory somewhere…He really loved ice-cream, it was so yummy and delicious, especially when it was hot outside like today. Ice-cream would be perfect today…Licking his lips, the boy sighed, “Ice-cream…”
Reno only laughed at his hazy, blissful expression and shook his head, exasperated with his little Bubble Brain. As a parting shot, he suggested, “Why don’t you two go outside and play? You know, so you don’t suffocate on all the air in here.”
“Well, I don’t know what that means,” Kadaj said, offended because he felt sure that Reno was making fun of him. “But I don’t mind going outside. Do you, Loz?”
Loz vigorously shook his head, wanting only to do whatever Kadaj wanted to do. The boy could’ve suggested a swim in the sewers and Loz would’ve been right alongside him, eager as can be.
“Hey,” Reno said, pausing on his way to go change, his expression serious. “Don’t go buying him ice-cream, Loz, I don’t care if he does the Big Eyes so large they pop out of his head—he ate himself into a sugar coma last night, he needs to eat dinner. Got it, yo?”
“Oh, okay, Reno, no ice-cream,” Loz promised, and Kadaj scowled because now there’d be no getting his brother to buy him ice-cream. For Loz, a request from Reno was tantamount to an order from God…Which only made sense, considering.
“It’s too hot to go outside, then,” Kadaj complained, flinging himself onto the couch in a huff. “Tell me about work, Loz.”
“Alright, Kadaj,” Loz said, finishing his beer and just as happy to comply with this request as any other. He talked for some time about his new job, thanking Yazoo briefly when the man quietly returned to refill his empty glass.
Kadaj lolled on the couch, kind of bored but unwilling to hurt Loz’s feelings by saying so. When Yazoo called them for dinner he was glad to go, and was the first one at the dining table, though he changed seats three times before he settled on who he wanted to sit next to, and only made his final decision because Reno told him he’d get a swatting if he didn’t plant his ass. He’d been swatted by Reno enough times to not invite it, and promptly did as he was told, dropping into the chair next to Yazoo, Loz on the other side and Reno at the head of the table.
As usual, Yazoo had outdone himself, and he preened under Loz’s praise and Reno’s more subtle compliment of multiple helpings. Kadaj tried to pick a fight with his brother, mildly jealous of the attention he was getting, but Reno nipped it in the bud with a stern look and the rest of the meal passed in relative peace.
Until it was time to do dishes, that is.
“I won’t!”
“You will!”
“I will not!” Kadaj shouted, mimicking Yazoo’s stance—hands on hips and leaning forward aggressively.
“Yes. You. Will!” Yazoo bit out, eyes practically shooting sparks. “I made dinner. I set the table. I cleared the table. You will do the dishes!”
“I will n—”
“Stop fucking fighting!” Reno shouted from the living room, and Loz was laughing at the nightly ritual that had, apparently, not changed a bit since he’d left. “Kadaj, do the damned dishes!”
Furious, made even more angry when Yazoo gave him a smug smirk, Kadaj reached out and viciously pinched his brother on the throat, making him gasp in outrage and pain.
“And stop pinching your brother!” Reno yelled, freezing both of them in their tracks.
“How does he do that?” Yazoo whispered, rubbing the red spot on his throat, his irritation at Kadaj forgotten in the face of Reno’s odd ability to see through walls.
Wide-eyed, Kadaj kept his theory to himself, but whispered, “I’m not sure. It’s scary, though.”
Without another word, he filled the sink with sudsy water and got to work, Yazoo lending a hand to make it go faster and both of them just a little intimidated by the omnipotent presence of god having a beer and relaxing in the living room with their not-so-bright middle brother.
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jaded_grin
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Date: 2008-10-21 12:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-21 12:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-21 01:12 am (UTC)I hope you find and erraticate the fic eating monster inside your computer. I read all of Dog Will Hunt (genious), and all the chapters you posted on ff.net of this and your other stories. I can't wait for new chapters of those. I'll cross my fingers you can find everything again.
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Date: 2008-10-21 01:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-22 05:05 am (UTC)Isn't that the next one he uses?
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Date: 2008-10-22 10:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-22 12:29 pm (UTC)It's amazing how well Airplane! survived with it's humour intact. My kids have now watched it and can quote sections verbatim. Of course their friends look at them as if they're nuts but it's a small price to pay. =)
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Date: 2008-10-21 01:34 am (UTC)BTW, were you spying on me and my sibs at dishwashing or what? I swear that was verbatim. =]
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Date: 2008-10-21 01:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-22 03:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-22 10:37 am (UTC)